First getaway with the wife and kids. We’ve been to this place a few times before……staring at my old triggers right in the face. This is better in so many ways.
This weekend I will visit my Dad in the cemetery. All past visits involved sharing a drink together. I’d stand in front of the headstone, twist off the cap of the scotch bottle, pour some directly on his grave and I would drink the rest while giving him updates of me and my family. Of course I drank before going there and when I returned home. So our special moment was really part of a larger binge.
“Look Dad. My new business card! Another promotion. Look at my two beautiful boys playing a few feet away from here. Man I wish you could spend one day with us; since you died before they were born. My wife still loves me. Aren’t you proud? See how successful we are?”
My dad’s favorite drink was scotch. He also drank too much his whole life. Why did I wait for him to die in order to have private drinking sessions outdoors in a cemetery like a freak?
This weekend I will visit him again. This time I have no scotch to share. This time I will bring him a life that he wanted to live.
“Look dad. Look how successful I am.”
I read The Big Book. Many times I asked God to help me become sober. Especially after falling asleep after dinner at 9pm and waking up at 3:30am having those feelings of despair and regret that you all know about. The truth is, I never committed to hold my side of the bargain. It’s been 72 days for me now. I didn’t ask God for help this time…..but I thank Him for the past 72 days and the days before then that I didn’t lose the roulette game of my drinking.
I haven’t been to Sunday Mass in many months but when I did go, I sat in the pew early in the morning with my two boys thinking, “isn’t this cool? Superdad brought his two young boys on time and is standing here with a hangover ready to get cleansed.” So I felt new and reformed until it was time to receive Communion (that’s bread and wine for those of you that don’t know). I take the bread and consider the wine. “I can have the wine. It’s holy and only a sip is what people take. I won’t drink for the rest of the day.” It’s port wine. Sweet, syrupy and glides down your throat. Just the thing to cure the hangover. After Mass, I drop the kids off at home and make a direct route to the liquor store. Most stores open at noon. Of course I found one that opened at ten.
This Sunday I did not take the wine but I am still blessed. Bless you all.
October 6-7th. Every part of my weekend routine reminded me of drinking which made me realize that everything I did on weekends involved having a drink. Here’s a short list of things that felt weird without the buzz:
- getting the can opener from the drawer
- washing clothes
- cleaning the litterbox
- food shopping
- taking the kids to birthday parties, playground, Sunday school
- watching tv
- firing up the BBQ outside
- talking to my wife
…and I went to my first party. Family. In the daytime. I drank 3 waters, 3 diet cokes, 4 regular cokes but I made it through successfully. I’m talking to a few people. Someone says, “I’m going to get another drink. Hey gfnj, can I get you another beer?”
“No thanks, I’m still drinking this one,” I say while I’m holding my soda. I guess people see what they want to see.
Oh and someone offers my nine year old a drink. Hey, we did it as kids so it must be ok right? He has the wisdom to decline the offer. I have the good luck to be sober and alert enough to say, “no fuckin way.”
I’m brushing my teeth better than most nights tonight. After flossing, I chug a large gulp of mouthwash. I swish it around in my mouth and look in the mirror. I suddenly realize and was alarmed to think, that if I swallow this by mistake (or a little bit intentional mistake), my fifty nine days of sobriety would quickly end. All of that hard work….my heart starts to race. I’m still staring at the mirror. I spit the citrus mouthwash into the sink and rinse my mouth with cold water.
Before this moment I always considered mouthwash and the alcoholic to be some sort of strange joke. Someone would actually drink that crap to get a buzz? Seriously? Drink mouthwash…even famous celebrities? Why drink mouthwash when you can go to so many different stores and get…..
Anyway, I guess we always have to be on alert for that dangerous moment.
This is my first blog and first post. Since October 1, 2012 I have managed to remain sober after 20 plus years of “partying.” Although I have a busy life working and supporting my young family, I decided to create this blog in order to remain sober and at the same time to give back and hopefully help others make better choices in their lives.